She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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