Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I said "one day" and that day is not today
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
