Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
