watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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