I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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