Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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