I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
