she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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