He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
