Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
