I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
