dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
