I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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