I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
