Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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