i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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