If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
