bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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