I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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