At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
