I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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