you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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