Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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