; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
