why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
