i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
