Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
