Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
