At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
