Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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