God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I would fuck him just for his dog
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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