Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
