i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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