I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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