Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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