I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
