Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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