I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
