Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I lost the right to judge tonight
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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