I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
