when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
