she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
