I cut my penus on the lid.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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