i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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