genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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