My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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