I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
