There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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