he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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