She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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