broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
