If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
